I've been having some troubles lately with the morning delivery of my paper. I get the Redeye delivered to me every morning--I know what you're thinking...what kind of idiot takes delivery of a free paper? Well, for $1 a week, they bring it up to my apartment door, where it awaits me, or should await me, each and every morning. I get a kick out of opening the door and having the paper there, as there is something very old school about it. I wish I had a robe and slippers, and was sipping a morning cup of coffee, but I'm just not that together yet. Actually, I usually open the door butt naked, because that's how I sleep, and take my chances on encountering a neighbor. It's really a dangerous situation too, because my door is straight across from the garbage room, a commonly accessed area of the floor. It's an exhilarating way to wake up every morning.

However, lately, I've been having some inconsistencies with my morning delivery. For the past week or so, my morning routine has not been anywhere near as delightful as usual. I wake up to what sounds like a nuclear meltdown alarm going off on my phone, roll of the couch(because that's where I sleep), and head to the door to get my morning periodical. I've got my cocky morning swagger, not only because of my impressive morning wood, but because I know I've got that paper waiting for me outside the door. Things are great...until opening the door and realizing that my paper is anywhere but at my feet.

Now, the Tribune has been delivering consistently to my door for over two years now, so I have doubts that the delivery guy, or gal, would suddenly come up so short several days in a row. Which can only mean one thing...it's being stolen. I don't even care about the paper, I mean it's free all over town. But the fact that someone stole it, and IT'S MINE!, really pisses me off. So, after writing to America's Most Wanted and getting no response, I've decided to take the law into my own hands. I have plans to wake up early and attach some invisible string to the paper, connected to a large cup of change or something loud inside my apartment. That way, when the culprit lays his sticky fingers on my paper and attempts to make off to work with it, the cup of change will be pulled on and knocked over, waking me up and allowing me to distribute justice. This is the best idea I have right now. If you have any other good methods for catching a paper thief, please leave them below. They may have won the battle, but this war is far from over...